Well, that was fast and shocking and unexpected. On Christmas Day, I had a temp spike and the faintest of faint BFP's. I have continued to get a BFP for the past 4 days. I am due September 7th. I'm having so many emotions, both good and bad. Obviously, this is a wonderful surprise. I'm so excited and happy and hopeful. But on the other hand, I'm still so nervous and fearful. Every little twinge or cramp makes me nervous. I'm choosing to be optimistic and not allow fear to ruin this experience.
We are especially happy to be having a September baby. Out of all our families, no one else has a September birthday except DH's dad. So this is extra special for us.
I'm hoping and praying every moment that this baby will stick and grow!!
Monday, December 29, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Diary of a Miscarriage - Part 2
Sometimes I feel like I'm not being heard or that I don't matter. The pain of this process is so much more overwhelming than I could ever have imagined. I haven't been able to concentrate at work or really get any work done. Right now I'm sitting here remembering the cousin's pregnancy announcement on Saturday and how I reacted. Its hard to believe how traumatizing that announcement was. Right now, I honestly don't feel like ever going to a family get together again.
My SIL is also pregnant but still hasn't announced yet. BIL told DH when she was 11 weeks. I wish to God that DH hadn't told me she was pregnant. But he did and I've had to pretend like I don't know the last few times I've seen her. I don't understand her thought process at all in choosing to hide her pregnancy for basically half of her pregnancy. I'm feeling a little guilty because I didn't speak to her at all on Thanksgiving. BIL mentioned to DH last night that basically she's starting to realize that I'm avoiding her and that if I need to talk to her I can. But, she can't really know that I've known for weeks that she's pregnant. She's the absolute last person I want to see or talk to right now. I want to explain to her how happy I am for her but express the depth of my grief and how painful it is for me to see her. Before any of this happened, I had always planned to throw her a baby shower. Now, I doubt I will even attend. It sucks so bad that we won't really be able to enjoy this time for BIL and SIL because I am so consumed by my own grief right now. I hope they won't hold it against us in the future and it won't damper their own happiness.
My SIL is also pregnant but still hasn't announced yet. BIL told DH when she was 11 weeks. I wish to God that DH hadn't told me she was pregnant. But he did and I've had to pretend like I don't know the last few times I've seen her. I don't understand her thought process at all in choosing to hide her pregnancy for basically half of her pregnancy. I'm feeling a little guilty because I didn't speak to her at all on Thanksgiving. BIL mentioned to DH last night that basically she's starting to realize that I'm avoiding her and that if I need to talk to her I can. But, she can't really know that I've known for weeks that she's pregnant. She's the absolute last person I want to see or talk to right now. I want to explain to her how happy I am for her but express the depth of my grief and how painful it is for me to see her. Before any of this happened, I had always planned to throw her a baby shower. Now, I doubt I will even attend. It sucks so bad that we won't really be able to enjoy this time for BIL and SIL because I am so consumed by my own grief right now. I hope they won't hold it against us in the future and it won't damper their own happiness.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Diary of a Miscarriage - Part 1
Its turning out to be a very difficult holiday season this year. We found out we were pregnant in August, but at our first appointment in October we were told the baby's heart had stopped beating at 8 1/2 weeks. I chose to have the miscarriage at home using misoprostol but I ended up having to have a D&C for retained tissue in November. We are still trying to heal from this process. I'm not making much progress yet.
My SIL is pregnant and due 2 days after our due date. It has been very hard, to say the least. She is 16-17 weeks pregnant and still hasn't announced. I just can't be around her right now.
On Saturday, we had DH's extended family get together for Thanksgiving. I knew SIL would be there but I just avoided her the whole time. She sits/stands in the same place since she's trying to hide her bump, so its easy not to have contact with her. My plan was to drink and just avoid. Before we had dinner, I had already had a bottle of wine. Right after the prayer before dinner, DH's cousin shouted "I'm pregnant!". It was very unexpected and it just took the wind out of me. I rushed out of the room and ran outside. I was gasping for breath and cried so hard. I'm not sure I've ever cried that uncontrollably before in my entire life. When I ran out of the house, an uncle was sitting in his truck and saw me walk down the street. He followed to see what was wrong. He is my least favorite uncle and I was in no condition to talk to anyone. I screamed at him to get the fuck away from me, that I didn't want to talk to him. I just kept walking and I guess he turned around. It took me several minutes to calm down. We ended up leaving early because I just couldn't stay.
I was not prepared for the avalanche of emotion that overwhelmed me. I ovulated 2 weeks ago, which was very exciting. But I did not get pregnant this cycle and I had started my period on Saturday. I'm not sure if that contributed to my reaction or if it was just the wine.
It is so hard because I really am truly happy for both my SIL and cousin. We did not expect either of them to have kids but we are so happy for them. I'm so lost in my own grief that I just can't find it in myself to express happiness right now. I don't know how I will ever face his family again. I told DH that I'm not going anywhere for Christmas. He can make whatever plans he wants, but I won't be joining him. Honestly, it may be months before I go to a get together again.
I am so hopeful that we get pregnant soon. Right now, that's the only way I know how to find hope and healing.
My SIL is pregnant and due 2 days after our due date. It has been very hard, to say the least. She is 16-17 weeks pregnant and still hasn't announced. I just can't be around her right now.
On Saturday, we had DH's extended family get together for Thanksgiving. I knew SIL would be there but I just avoided her the whole time. She sits/stands in the same place since she's trying to hide her bump, so its easy not to have contact with her. My plan was to drink and just avoid. Before we had dinner, I had already had a bottle of wine. Right after the prayer before dinner, DH's cousin shouted "I'm pregnant!". It was very unexpected and it just took the wind out of me. I rushed out of the room and ran outside. I was gasping for breath and cried so hard. I'm not sure I've ever cried that uncontrollably before in my entire life. When I ran out of the house, an uncle was sitting in his truck and saw me walk down the street. He followed to see what was wrong. He is my least favorite uncle and I was in no condition to talk to anyone. I screamed at him to get the fuck away from me, that I didn't want to talk to him. I just kept walking and I guess he turned around. It took me several minutes to calm down. We ended up leaving early because I just couldn't stay.
I was not prepared for the avalanche of emotion that overwhelmed me. I ovulated 2 weeks ago, which was very exciting. But I did not get pregnant this cycle and I had started my period on Saturday. I'm not sure if that contributed to my reaction or if it was just the wine.
It is so hard because I really am truly happy for both my SIL and cousin. We did not expect either of them to have kids but we are so happy for them. I'm so lost in my own grief that I just can't find it in myself to express happiness right now. I don't know how I will ever face his family again. I told DH that I'm not going anywhere for Christmas. He can make whatever plans he wants, but I won't be joining him. Honestly, it may be months before I go to a get together again.
I am so hopeful that we get pregnant soon. Right now, that's the only way I know how to find hope and healing.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
The Serenity Prayer
It is so very hard not to be upset about things that you cannot control. It is hard not to be upset about things that don't even affect you but that you feel strongly about. It is hard to realize that some people are going to act a certain way no matter what you do or say.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
A food revolution!
I'm not sure how we stumbled on it, but DH and I have been watching several food documentaries lately. It is absolutely amazing what is going on in our food system right now. As a result of the latest one we watched, Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead, I am going on a juice fast. My goal is 10 days, but I'd really like to do 15-30 days. My current diet is terrible and my body shows it. I've been trying to lose weight for months, with no more than a pound or two lost. I am hoping that this will serve as a catalyst for weight loss, health, and completely revolutionize the way I eat. Although weight loss is a completely desired result, I am desperately wanting to become more healthy. I am working longer hours at work right now, but in March when things even out a little I'm planning to start yoga twice a week.
Several of the documentaries we've watched have included doctors or studies that show that nutrition can prevent and even cure cancer and other serious diseases. For me this is an astonishing concept. My stepfather died of lung cancer in 2012, even though he never smoked. I can't help but wonder, if he had started juicing the day he found out about his cancer, if the outcome would have been different.
I also want to start eating healthier for my son. Having a child makes you want the best for them and yourself and you realize all the bad habits you have that you don't want them to pick up on. The diet of American children is absolutely horrible and it is no wonder that so many kids are obese. I absolutely want my son to have a better relationship with food than I do and to become a healthy eater for life.
Several of the documentaries we've watched have included doctors or studies that show that nutrition can prevent and even cure cancer and other serious diseases. For me this is an astonishing concept. My stepfather died of lung cancer in 2012, even though he never smoked. I can't help but wonder, if he had started juicing the day he found out about his cancer, if the outcome would have been different.
I also want to start eating healthier for my son. Having a child makes you want the best for them and yourself and you realize all the bad habits you have that you don't want them to pick up on. The diet of American children is absolutely horrible and it is no wonder that so many kids are obese. I absolutely want my son to have a better relationship with food than I do and to become a healthy eater for life.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
New Year's Resolutions!
1. Lose Weight - I was overweight when I got pregnant and haven't done much to lose the weight since Monster was born. I am so unhappy with my body and it's time for a change!! My goal is to start with 20 minutes on the elliptical 3x a week. I also want to start spending more time outside with DH and Monster on the weekends. Obviously eating habits play a big part, see #2.
2. Eat Better - DH and I have started learning about the dangers of processed foods and have started trying to eat more whole foods. I have started following the blog 100 Days of Real Food and hope to try some of her recipes and add more veggies to our diet. My goal for the new year is to start visiting the local farmer's market and even if it is tiny, to have a garden again this year. Having a garden also goes along with goal #1 because it will provide some exercise and outside time. (And, duh, eating healthy will hopefully provide some weight loss).
3. Read 1 book a month - I am a reader. I love to read. But I have gotten out of the habit of reading. I spend far too much time in front of the TV and that needs to change. So my goal for the new year is to read 1 book each month.
4. DECLUTTER! - Besides losing weight, this is perhaps the goal I most want to achieve. I firmly believe that having less stuff will result in less stress, make the house easier to clean, and just generally improve our moods. But, alas, I have hoarding tendencies and am somewhat sentimental, so its very hard for me to get rid of stuff. Since having Monster (and all the baby stuff that goes along with a new baby), I have started feeling like our house is so crowded. I'm also starting to get overwhelmed by the amount of toys that Monster has and want to make an effort to get rid of most of them or at least come up with a system to rotate them out.
5. Go back to church - this has been my NY's resolution for the past two years and every year I fail. I was raised in a church and I want Monster to have the same exposure. Aside from deep religious topics, I believe that going back to church will make me a happier, more peaceful person. I get very annoyed and angry with people and need help remembering how to be kind and gentle with those around me.
2. Eat Better - DH and I have started learning about the dangers of processed foods and have started trying to eat more whole foods. I have started following the blog 100 Days of Real Food and hope to try some of her recipes and add more veggies to our diet. My goal for the new year is to start visiting the local farmer's market and even if it is tiny, to have a garden again this year. Having a garden also goes along with goal #1 because it will provide some exercise and outside time. (And, duh, eating healthy will hopefully provide some weight loss).
3. Read 1 book a month - I am a reader. I love to read. But I have gotten out of the habit of reading. I spend far too much time in front of the TV and that needs to change. So my goal for the new year is to read 1 book each month.
4. DECLUTTER! - Besides losing weight, this is perhaps the goal I most want to achieve. I firmly believe that having less stuff will result in less stress, make the house easier to clean, and just generally improve our moods. But, alas, I have hoarding tendencies and am somewhat sentimental, so its very hard for me to get rid of stuff. Since having Monster (and all the baby stuff that goes along with a new baby), I have started feeling like our house is so crowded. I'm also starting to get overwhelmed by the amount of toys that Monster has and want to make an effort to get rid of most of them or at least come up with a system to rotate them out.
5. Go back to church - this has been my NY's resolution for the past two years and every year I fail. I was raised in a church and I want Monster to have the same exposure. Aside from deep religious topics, I believe that going back to church will make me a happier, more peaceful person. I get very annoyed and angry with people and need help remembering how to be kind and gentle with those around me.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
An epiphany
I've recently had an epiphany about parenting. In today's society, everything and everyone is politically correct and if you're not, its offensive. The parenting style that seems to be the most popular, at least in my circle of the world is attachment parenting and general tolerance for letting the child make their own choices. I haven't actually done much research on the definition of attachment parenting, but it is basically gentle parenting that aims not to punish the child in any way but to allow them to explore and grow without too much interruption. (That's a bad summary, but whatever). Generally, I'd like to be this kind of parent. Children are precious beings that should be cherished. I agree that its important to treat children as individuals and show them respect, not just treat them as objects of our will.
We recently had friends over this weekend and somehow we started talking about their son buying a pink ball. It led to a discussion of letting children choose who they want to be. I am easily influenced by internet forums and online articles. After having been exposed to some ideas that we should let children choose how they want to dress and how long their hair is, etc, I am on the fence about how I feel about this. But one of our friends had a different take on the situation. He said that it is our job as parents to raise our child with our set of values because if we don't, they will absorb whatever other values they are exposed to. He also made a very valid point that boys and girls are different, as is obvious by taking a look down below.
It made me realize that I have the right and responsibility to raise my child the way I see fit. It does not make me sexist if I don't want my son to dress as a princess. I have the right to tell my son that he can't wear a pink tutu to school. I am not damaging him in doing this, I am teaching him that he is a boy and not a girl. Regardless of what popular society tells us, boys and girls are actually different. I won't go into a discussion of the differences between men and women, but they are vast. I believe that our sons should be raised to be strong men, who take care of their families and know how to change the oil in a car.
Anyway, it was just a profound realization that I need to decide what is right for our family and how we want to raise our children, not what the internet community says is the right way. Its okay to disagree with someone else's views on parenting and make choices that are different.
We recently had friends over this weekend and somehow we started talking about their son buying a pink ball. It led to a discussion of letting children choose who they want to be. I am easily influenced by internet forums and online articles. After having been exposed to some ideas that we should let children choose how they want to dress and how long their hair is, etc, I am on the fence about how I feel about this. But one of our friends had a different take on the situation. He said that it is our job as parents to raise our child with our set of values because if we don't, they will absorb whatever other values they are exposed to. He also made a very valid point that boys and girls are different, as is obvious by taking a look down below.
It made me realize that I have the right and responsibility to raise my child the way I see fit. It does not make me sexist if I don't want my son to dress as a princess. I have the right to tell my son that he can't wear a pink tutu to school. I am not damaging him in doing this, I am teaching him that he is a boy and not a girl. Regardless of what popular society tells us, boys and girls are actually different. I won't go into a discussion of the differences between men and women, but they are vast. I believe that our sons should be raised to be strong men, who take care of their families and know how to change the oil in a car.
Anyway, it was just a profound realization that I need to decide what is right for our family and how we want to raise our children, not what the internet community says is the right way. Its okay to disagree with someone else's views on parenting and make choices that are different.
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