Sometimes I feel like I'm not being heard or that I don't matter. The pain of this process is so much more overwhelming than I could ever have imagined. I haven't been able to concentrate at work or really get any work done. Right now I'm sitting here remembering the cousin's pregnancy announcement on Saturday and how I reacted. Its hard to believe how traumatizing that announcement was. Right now, I honestly don't feel like ever going to a family get together again.
My SIL is also pregnant but still hasn't announced yet. BIL told DH when she was 11 weeks. I wish to God that DH hadn't told me she was pregnant. But he did and I've had to pretend like I don't know the last few times I've seen her. I don't understand her thought process at all in choosing to hide her pregnancy for basically half of her pregnancy. I'm feeling a little guilty because I didn't speak to her at all on Thanksgiving. BIL mentioned to DH last night that basically she's starting to realize that I'm avoiding her and that if I need to talk to her I can. But, she can't really know that I've known for weeks that she's pregnant. She's the absolute last person I want to see or talk to right now. I want to explain to her how happy I am for her but express the depth of my grief and how painful it is for me to see her. Before any of this happened, I had always planned to throw her a baby shower. Now, I doubt I will even attend. It sucks so bad that we won't really be able to enjoy this time for BIL and SIL because I am so consumed by my own grief right now. I hope they won't hold it against us in the future and it won't damper their own happiness.
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