Its turning out to be a very difficult holiday season this year. We found out we were pregnant in August, but at our first appointment in October we were told the baby's heart had stopped beating at 8 1/2 weeks. I chose to have the miscarriage at home using misoprostol but I ended up having to have a D&C for retained tissue in November. We are still trying to heal from this process. I'm not making much progress yet.
My SIL is pregnant and due 2 days after our due date. It has been very hard, to say the least. She is 16-17 weeks pregnant and still hasn't announced. I just can't be around her right now.
On Saturday, we had DH's extended family get together for Thanksgiving. I knew SIL would be there but I just avoided her the whole time. She sits/stands in the same place since she's trying to hide her bump, so its easy not to have contact with her. My plan was to drink and just avoid. Before we had dinner, I had already had a bottle of wine. Right after the prayer before dinner, DH's cousin shouted "I'm pregnant!". It was very unexpected and it just took the wind out of me. I rushed out of the room and ran outside. I was gasping for breath and cried so hard. I'm not sure I've ever cried that uncontrollably before in my entire life. When I ran out of the house, an uncle was sitting in his truck and saw me walk down the street. He followed to see what was wrong. He is my least favorite uncle and I was in no condition to talk to anyone. I screamed at him to get the fuck away from me, that I didn't want to talk to him. I just kept walking and I guess he turned around. It took me several minutes to calm down. We ended up leaving early because I just couldn't stay.
I was not prepared for the avalanche of emotion that overwhelmed me. I ovulated 2 weeks ago, which was very exciting. But I did not get pregnant this cycle and I had started my period on Saturday. I'm not sure if that contributed to my reaction or if it was just the wine.
It is so hard because I really am truly happy for both my SIL and cousin. We did not expect either of them to have kids but we are so happy for them. I'm so lost in my own grief that I just can't find it in myself to express happiness right now. I don't know how I will ever face his family again. I told DH that I'm not going anywhere for Christmas. He can make whatever plans he wants, but I won't be joining him. Honestly, it may be months before I go to a get together again.
I am so hopeful that we get pregnant soon. Right now, that's the only way I know how to find hope and healing.
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