Well, that was fast and shocking and unexpected. On Christmas Day, I had a temp spike and the faintest of faint BFP's. I have continued to get a BFP for the past 4 days. I am due September 7th. I'm having so many emotions, both good and bad. Obviously, this is a wonderful surprise. I'm so excited and happy and hopeful. But on the other hand, I'm still so nervous and fearful. Every little twinge or cramp makes me nervous. I'm choosing to be optimistic and not allow fear to ruin this experience.
We are especially happy to be having a September baby. Out of all our families, no one else has a September birthday except DH's dad. So this is extra special for us.
I'm hoping and praying every moment that this baby will stick and grow!!
Monday, December 29, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Diary of a Miscarriage - Part 2
Sometimes I feel like I'm not being heard or that I don't matter. The pain of this process is so much more overwhelming than I could ever have imagined. I haven't been able to concentrate at work or really get any work done. Right now I'm sitting here remembering the cousin's pregnancy announcement on Saturday and how I reacted. Its hard to believe how traumatizing that announcement was. Right now, I honestly don't feel like ever going to a family get together again.
My SIL is also pregnant but still hasn't announced yet. BIL told DH when she was 11 weeks. I wish to God that DH hadn't told me she was pregnant. But he did and I've had to pretend like I don't know the last few times I've seen her. I don't understand her thought process at all in choosing to hide her pregnancy for basically half of her pregnancy. I'm feeling a little guilty because I didn't speak to her at all on Thanksgiving. BIL mentioned to DH last night that basically she's starting to realize that I'm avoiding her and that if I need to talk to her I can. But, she can't really know that I've known for weeks that she's pregnant. She's the absolute last person I want to see or talk to right now. I want to explain to her how happy I am for her but express the depth of my grief and how painful it is for me to see her. Before any of this happened, I had always planned to throw her a baby shower. Now, I doubt I will even attend. It sucks so bad that we won't really be able to enjoy this time for BIL and SIL because I am so consumed by my own grief right now. I hope they won't hold it against us in the future and it won't damper their own happiness.
My SIL is also pregnant but still hasn't announced yet. BIL told DH when she was 11 weeks. I wish to God that DH hadn't told me she was pregnant. But he did and I've had to pretend like I don't know the last few times I've seen her. I don't understand her thought process at all in choosing to hide her pregnancy for basically half of her pregnancy. I'm feeling a little guilty because I didn't speak to her at all on Thanksgiving. BIL mentioned to DH last night that basically she's starting to realize that I'm avoiding her and that if I need to talk to her I can. But, she can't really know that I've known for weeks that she's pregnant. She's the absolute last person I want to see or talk to right now. I want to explain to her how happy I am for her but express the depth of my grief and how painful it is for me to see her. Before any of this happened, I had always planned to throw her a baby shower. Now, I doubt I will even attend. It sucks so bad that we won't really be able to enjoy this time for BIL and SIL because I am so consumed by my own grief right now. I hope they won't hold it against us in the future and it won't damper their own happiness.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Diary of a Miscarriage - Part 1
Its turning out to be a very difficult holiday season this year. We found out we were pregnant in August, but at our first appointment in October we were told the baby's heart had stopped beating at 8 1/2 weeks. I chose to have the miscarriage at home using misoprostol but I ended up having to have a D&C for retained tissue in November. We are still trying to heal from this process. I'm not making much progress yet.
My SIL is pregnant and due 2 days after our due date. It has been very hard, to say the least. She is 16-17 weeks pregnant and still hasn't announced. I just can't be around her right now.
On Saturday, we had DH's extended family get together for Thanksgiving. I knew SIL would be there but I just avoided her the whole time. She sits/stands in the same place since she's trying to hide her bump, so its easy not to have contact with her. My plan was to drink and just avoid. Before we had dinner, I had already had a bottle of wine. Right after the prayer before dinner, DH's cousin shouted "I'm pregnant!". It was very unexpected and it just took the wind out of me. I rushed out of the room and ran outside. I was gasping for breath and cried so hard. I'm not sure I've ever cried that uncontrollably before in my entire life. When I ran out of the house, an uncle was sitting in his truck and saw me walk down the street. He followed to see what was wrong. He is my least favorite uncle and I was in no condition to talk to anyone. I screamed at him to get the fuck away from me, that I didn't want to talk to him. I just kept walking and I guess he turned around. It took me several minutes to calm down. We ended up leaving early because I just couldn't stay.
I was not prepared for the avalanche of emotion that overwhelmed me. I ovulated 2 weeks ago, which was very exciting. But I did not get pregnant this cycle and I had started my period on Saturday. I'm not sure if that contributed to my reaction or if it was just the wine.
It is so hard because I really am truly happy for both my SIL and cousin. We did not expect either of them to have kids but we are so happy for them. I'm so lost in my own grief that I just can't find it in myself to express happiness right now. I don't know how I will ever face his family again. I told DH that I'm not going anywhere for Christmas. He can make whatever plans he wants, but I won't be joining him. Honestly, it may be months before I go to a get together again.
I am so hopeful that we get pregnant soon. Right now, that's the only way I know how to find hope and healing.
My SIL is pregnant and due 2 days after our due date. It has been very hard, to say the least. She is 16-17 weeks pregnant and still hasn't announced. I just can't be around her right now.
On Saturday, we had DH's extended family get together for Thanksgiving. I knew SIL would be there but I just avoided her the whole time. She sits/stands in the same place since she's trying to hide her bump, so its easy not to have contact with her. My plan was to drink and just avoid. Before we had dinner, I had already had a bottle of wine. Right after the prayer before dinner, DH's cousin shouted "I'm pregnant!". It was very unexpected and it just took the wind out of me. I rushed out of the room and ran outside. I was gasping for breath and cried so hard. I'm not sure I've ever cried that uncontrollably before in my entire life. When I ran out of the house, an uncle was sitting in his truck and saw me walk down the street. He followed to see what was wrong. He is my least favorite uncle and I was in no condition to talk to anyone. I screamed at him to get the fuck away from me, that I didn't want to talk to him. I just kept walking and I guess he turned around. It took me several minutes to calm down. We ended up leaving early because I just couldn't stay.
I was not prepared for the avalanche of emotion that overwhelmed me. I ovulated 2 weeks ago, which was very exciting. But I did not get pregnant this cycle and I had started my period on Saturday. I'm not sure if that contributed to my reaction or if it was just the wine.
It is so hard because I really am truly happy for both my SIL and cousin. We did not expect either of them to have kids but we are so happy for them. I'm so lost in my own grief that I just can't find it in myself to express happiness right now. I don't know how I will ever face his family again. I told DH that I'm not going anywhere for Christmas. He can make whatever plans he wants, but I won't be joining him. Honestly, it may be months before I go to a get together again.
I am so hopeful that we get pregnant soon. Right now, that's the only way I know how to find hope and healing.
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